Smash portfolio

There were many thoughts and feelings that went into the creation of "smash". It started out with a message, a facebook message, from one of my"friends". Apparently, I had pissed him off so badly that he decided to blatantly describe every single one of my insecurities unto writing. One of them being-that I cover up who I really am and try to be someone I'm not.

Although this "friend" is a raging lunatic and we were never really that close, his words stung more than any dis or insult I had ever heard-and boy have I heard some mean things. I think they had such an impact on me because a lot of it was painfully true. I was acting like someone I was not. Whether it was to get attention, or to hide who I was inside, I needed to change.

One way I hide myself physically is through make up. No, I don't cake it on, nor do I wear unsightly globs of mascara, but it is a barrier protecting the real me from the outside world.

How do I represent that visually-through art?

In front of my entire class at School of the Art Institute of Chicago Summer program, I painted on liquid eyeliner unto my eyelids. I globbed foundation unto my cheeks and I smeared gloss all over my mouth. Pressing the construction paper rather hard unto my face, I started to cry. I did not mean to cry, nor was this a "drama camp" exercise. But something overcame me-something cloudy washed away inside of me and I felt like I saw the truth for the very first time.

Wiping off the very stuff that hid me from the world and showing myself to basically strangers was a completely new experience. I felt rejuvinated and terrifed at the same time. Who is this person I was...and who will I become now? Shaking with the new found realization I understood more about myseld in those 5 minutes than I have my entire lifeI realized that make up was only the literal masks we wear everday and that there is so much more.

Have you ever said something out loud-maybe embarassing-that you did not want anyone else to hear? Maybe something slipped out. Like you called your teacher mom by mistake or you told someone your best friends secret. You want to hurt yourself. You want to punch yourself in the gut (tyler durden style) and start all over again. The reason I smash the paper so hard against myself is because I am embarassed of my past. I want to punch myself for the things I have done, the people i have hurt, and the things I have said. I want to wipe away the dirty grimy exterior of who I used to be and exfoliate into a new layer, a new beginning.

Wipe away the past. Smash who I was. Draw in a new beginning.